Random sayings:

• 'Pessimist' is a word used by optimists to describe someone who sees the world for what it really is
• A wise monkey never monkies with another monkey's monkey
• Alcohol doesn't solve any problems, but milk do?
• Alcohol releases the inner retard in all of us...
• Alcohol, the cause and solution to all of life's problems
• Ask me about microwaving cats for fun and profit.
• Be nice to nerds. Chances are you'll end up working for one
• Be nice to your children. For they will be choosing your nursing home someday
• Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the question
• By the time you have read this you would have already read it
• children in the dark cause aqccidents, accidents in the dark cause children
• crowded elavators smell different to midgets
• dont drink and drive, you might spill your beer
• Eat healthy, exercise more, still die
• Every year more than 2500 left handed people are killed from using right handed products.
• Heart Attacks... God's Revenge For Eating His Animal Friends.
• I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To
• I love cats...they taste just like chicken
• I'm more drunk than a three-legged chicken on a wet patch of ice!
• If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

• Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
• Why is it that rain drops but snow falls? Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
• Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
• Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
• Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a racecar is not called a racist?
• Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
• You can trust the government, just ask the Indians
• You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you.
• You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same material?

• If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
• If carrots are so good for the eyes, how come I see so many dead rabbits on the highway
• If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
• If you throw a cat out a car window does it become kitty liter?
• If your name was homework, I'd be doing you on my desk right now...
• In the event of an emergency landing why do the people in the pamflet look so calm?
• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
• Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
• Passionate kiss like spider's web soon lead to undoing of fly.
• Quitting smoking is easy, I've done it a hundred times
• Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?
• When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
• When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?
• Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
• Whoever said money can't buy happiness, didn't know where to shop
• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?
• Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
• Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
• Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?
• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?